When a Heart Breaks It Doesn't Break Even.

I know I basically abandoned this blog in favour of a newer one,but I miss this one too much to just leave it (and the other one wasn't going too well..).

Anyway,I guess you could say I do have quite a lot of news to share with you since the last time I've blogged. Well,Christmas was a very dramatic holiday, with my great-granda passing away, and my boyfriend and I breaking up (this all happened within the space of two days may I add) and I must say that in that week I didn't see the point in anything anymore, and this was mainly to do with Macker and I breaking up. Like obviously I was upset over my granda, but he was 95, he had led a fantastic life and we all knew his time was up soon, so I guess you could say we were expecting it to happen, which made it a tad more easier to handle.
But me and Macker? Wasn't expecting that at all. And I'm not saying that because "ooh I think I'm so amazing that no one would fucking dare break up with me", I'm definately not saying that.It's just..and I've said this so many times before, but in the week he broke up with me he wasn't acting any different than before, he still came out to me everyday, still kissed me, still said he loved me.. so it was quite unexpected.
And in the Church at my granda's funeral? I'll never forget it. I cried, cried so so so much. And why? It wasn't just for my granda, it was for me and Macker and I'll NEVER forget that. I feel so guilty, bur it was hard. Macker broke up with me two days after my granda passed away so my head was pretty messed up, and I didn't know which thing I should have tried to get over first.
And you can all say that I shouldn't have been so upset over Macker, that I was 15, that I didn't love him blah blah fucking blah. Loving someone doesn't depend on how old you are? And love IS fucking real, to anyone who thinks otherwise. Love is an amazing thing when both parties experience it, but when the other person feels different, it's horrible. And I truly thought he felt the same, he said he did.. but you learn from your mistakes. Scrap that, he wasn't a mistake. You learn from your experiences, and I'll never regret being with him. I'm not expecting to ever get back with him, and I'm happy to know that we'll remain friends. He didn't do anything wrong, he didn't love me, he had the right to end it. The only thing I wish he had done was to have ended it at a more appropriate time.

But..aside from my granda and Macker, the holidays have actually been pretty kickass. New Years ar Dave's was awesome (although I DID block his sink with puke..sorry Dave) and we had a fucking awesome day in Louis's the other day. Although I do want to apologise on everyone's behalf for him being grounded indefinately for it :S But yeah,Christmas was pretty awesome! And I've made a couple of new friends, one of them being very important to me (Sarah Breen,I love you!) and I've gotten to spend time with some of my older friends, whom I also love dearly.

And boys?.. well, let's not mention them. Did some stuff I regret, some stuff I don't remember.. yeah,let's not talk about it?

Byee x.x.x

I keep forgetting that love isn't just a one way effort.. to make a relationship work,both parties have to put in the effort. You both have to care for each other,both have to make sacrifices for the other,even when you really don't want to.Love isn't easy,it can be real feckin' hard work at times but at the end of the day it's worth it.Usually anyway.

You probably expect me now to go on a rant now,maybe about how my other half doesn't care for me,or how he doesn't make any sacrifices and does what he wants all the time.Unfortunately it's me who's the bad guy in this scenario..

If this turns sour,which I hope to any God that will listen to me that it won't,then it will all be my fault.I've come to realise that I don't make any effort whatsoever.I don't make any sacrifices even when I can and should for him,I make him do everything.I'm always trying to get my own way,get pissed off at every single little thing and I'm fucking ashamed of myself.

How would I react if he treated me the same? I'd give him a good boot up the arse,I'll tell you that.But he does whatever I want,if it makes me happy.Some girls might turn around now and go "Well what the feck are you giving out about? Sounds like you've got the best of both worlds!"

Even if I do,I don't want it anymore,it's not fair.The same rules should apply to me in this relationship but for some reason I never follow them,not intentionally..well maybe a little..which is horrible and I just..ugh I just feel so horrible. Why do I think that it's okay for me to act like this,but not for him? 'Cos I'm a fucking selfish bitch,obviously.I take him for granted sooooo much but one day he's going to realise that he can do MUCH better,that there are girls out there,prettier,smarter,wittier than I am who'll let him do whatever the feck he wants.And when he leaves I'll be heartbroken.Wondering why I never did anything.

That's why now I have to change..I HAVE to.He says that I'm perfect the way I am,but I'm not changing drastically,just going to become a better person.For him.Because he deserves it.

What a random blogpost I must say..meh

Love is a strange thing.I myself haven't had the best luck with it in the past,but now things seem to be going pretty good.But my heart goes out to those who have major trouble with it,especially some of my friends.. It's one of those problems where you simply can't help them. What can you do? Be there for them,tell them that in the end it'll all be okay,but does that even help?

I feel so helpless when in situations like those,when you know you're powerless,that you can't do anything..all you can really do is wish them the best..but DOES that help?

And on that note,I must be off,

Cheerio x.x.x.x.x

Today Was Gonna Be The Day..

This fucking weekend was AWESOME,if I say so myself =D Just had so much fun and..awwh it was just epic=) And on Wednesday I'm seeing Green Day with Jem Jem and hopefully Macker which should be deadly! Life can't get any fucking better right now lmao

Life is just so awesome..for once seriously! I love it,this week has been the best week fucking ever =) Had so much fun with all my friends and someone told me that on Saturday I kept saying I love you Ste..haha we had fun times with the gang and I do love you Ste =]

So I have two choices..kinda.This Friday I can either go to youth club (to which I haven't been in yonks) or to AC's biggest gig to date in the Academy.I really wanna go see AC..but the parentals are ever so slightly strict on going into town late =S We'll see what happens though,cos I really wanna support the guys =]

And I just want to say that I am in love with Eoin McDonagh =] Yeh call me stupid or whatever,or say that "there's no such thing as love etc." but I can tell you that in my case,love fucking exists.I trust this guy with my life and spending the rest of my days with him would be the fucking best =] I'm so glad you asked me to meet Lewis baby LMAO! Haha and awwh i just love you so much,and I hope to god that you feel the same too =) I've never felt this way about someone before,and if I didm why would I lie and waste my time and write this? You know how fecking lazy I am,so why would I even bother? =P

Okay the laziness has finally set in..I couldn't be arsed writing anything else and I'm gonna head to bed cos I'm knackered.This weekend has be sooooo mad and hectic,so could you fucking blame me?

Night toodles xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

To Merissa- I don't know why we're doing this through blogs,but ah well, here we go.

Duno why I didn't use your name in the blogs,it's not really a question that infuriates me anyways so yeh :L I know that you couldn't list off ALL the shit that I wrote in my blog,obviously. But the main reason why I don't think we'll ever be the same ever again is cos even though you weren't planning on doing it,the fucking THOUGHT of "deflating my ego" went through your head? Even THINKING about doing that pisses me off.That basically means that you wanted to bully me,until I thought myself worthless. And you thought I was "leader of the group"?That I thought I was better than everyone else? I'm not the one who gave myself that title,and I'm sorry if I get on with people? Is that such a fucking crime?


And dude stop saying "if I died tomorrow you wouldn't care".That's such a childish,heartless thing to say.Of course I'd fucking care. Just shows how much you think of me I guess.Even if we're not as close I'd still care,obviously.I do have a heart,in case you haven't noticed.

And I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this shenanigans,but you and everyone else constantly bitched about me,and little by little you's all grew more distant.And you's thought that you could give me shit and offer me a "second chance",but why would I agree to it when I don't think I need one? If we both have done the same shit why am I the one who needs a second chance :L
I've grown up from the whole "let's target someone and mess with their heads and then maybe not be their friends" shite.That's soooooooooooo March like lmao :L

And the thing I'm just uber pissed about is the fact that everyone calls me two faced,even though they're equally in the wrong? I said shit to people about other people (and the shit wasn't even that bad?) hoping that I could trust them not to tell the shit to the people it was about (you did this as well Merissa) but nooooooooo you's had to say EVERYTHING I said.Then make it out that I was two faced? Aren't you's all two faced aswell,seeing as I trusted you's with that shit?

And yes Merissa I know I'm a bitch too for telling your secret yada yada. I did not say it out of spite,I forget how it even came up really.But it was told and the person I told it to promised she wouldn't say it back to you.And I believed I could trust the fucking whore :L So I didn't tell your secret out of spite,but it was told.And when you found out you should have just told me you knew,and asked me why I told and stuff and I would have admitted I was in the wrong.But you said it after that whole fucking commotion with Lucy,which was seriously not the best time as after all the shit she said to me I believed everyone hated me.

All this shit just heated up and became a bigger deal than it ever had to be.You shouldn't have kept it inside,you should have just told me what I did wrong and more than likely shit would have been okayy.

But nah,like in usual girl fashion,a scene had to be made =]

(and yes I know I use the word shit a lot xD )
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Yoo.

Today was a pretty fun day.Hung out in Lewis' with him Ste and Lewis' lil bro while Macker was at band practice with the others.Was paranoid about shite but it was actually pretty fun =]

Then we went out for a bit and then when Macker came back from Dave's a few of us went up to Louis' house and watched Brooke Knows Best,cos we're TOO awesome for words betches XD And then we realised it was the perfect opportunity to take band pics for Zero Tolerance cos ALL the members were there so I was photographer for the day and we took some pretty retarded pics,in Louis' bath and his mam's bed and shite.Just hope his mam doesn't notice the smell of boy in her bed or she'll be wondering what Louis was up to =S lmao!

Then we went Ste's cos he had a free gaff and we danced and shite for awhile and got scared shitless out his scary garden XD And then we had a major orgy in his bro's room with his permantly erect dog Jake =]

All in all it was a good day but then I kinda wrecked it at the end,sorry =[ I was in a weird mood but I love you.

And,going out to YOU again.I was just really disappointed that you didn't stick up for me,and some of the points I made in my last post you didn't mention to me.Some you did,yes,like ending the war,but the points about not applying the same rules to me as your friend and shit,you didn't mention that.I'm not going to continue this shit but you just gotta realise that I probably won't act the same around you as before,and I wouldn't hold it against you if you did the same.

Love ya'll
Keeva xxxxxxxx

The Truth Lies In The Blog Name Baby

I really truly despise blogs nowadays.Everyone writes shit in them that they'd never say to your face,and then their excuse is that you "don't have to read it if you don't want to?". What a stupid feckin excuse.Like,just cos I don't read it doesn't mean it's not there?

And this goes out to you,and you know it's to you when you read it,just let me have MY say.

Okay,so you say people don't bitch about their friends,yada yada but that's a lie and you know it is.Friends bitch about each other,not maliciously but at the end of the day it still happens.It could be pointing out a flaw of theirs etc. but it's just general girl-ism or whatever the feck you want to call it.Big deals don't have to be caused by it,but of course you couldn't let that happen.I'm not trying to be a bitch,I'm just explaining my point of view.If I told a secret of yours,why couldn't you just point that out to me? Instead of telling me in the middle of this mess I'm having with her? You've bitched about me,I know you have and if you have I don't care.It's human nature.And you can't blame me for believing what other people said,when everyone else has said that you've said it.Whenever I used to ask you if you said shit about you,you went on a rant,saying that I shouldn't ever think you'd say that cos your my "best friend".

So why doesn't the same rule apply to me? When I denied that stuff,why didn't you believe me? Why are the rules different? I can admit when I'm wrong,but you should too.This is just me having my say.And of course I won't talk to you outside when I'm pissed with you?

You said in earlier blogs that we apologised to each other,when the hell did we ever do that? We never did? We talked but we never made up? I'm glad we had a proper talk about it the other day though,and yes I was disappointed that you didn't stick up for me.

We've both experienced the same shit in our lives,surely that wouldn't have made you stick uo for me even more? Cos you know how much it hurts? As a "best friend" that was the least I expected from you,to stick up for me? And no,you're not the only person I'm targeting cos I've said it to everyone and I've apologised for anything I've said to anyone.

But what you's BASICALLY did was take every single "bad" comment I said in the past few months and even when I trusted all of you,you's went off and told the people that they were about,to? You call me two-faced,but all of you are.We're all in the same boat here.

We're girls
We bitch
It's life.
And yes we bitch about our friends too,but what else have we got to do in our spare time? And that goes out to EVERYONE.
We all do it
Get over it,how old are we all now?

And I blocked you for like a day and then my internet stopped working :L

So just get over this.This is NOT a bitchy blog,so don't take it up that way

Keeva x

I'm dancing in the moonlight                               It's caught me in its spotlight..

Heyy everyone.I'm in a Thin Lizzy mood right now,they're making me happy so I'm just gonna keep listening to them.Cos being happy is awesome,fuck anyone who says that it's "over-rated".Being happy..it's an deadly feeling for obvious reasons.And anyone who says that it's not that great a thing obviously have never truly experienced the feeling.When you are deriously happy,and nothing anyone says can bring you down..well that's a glorious feeling and how dare anyone say it's not.

Right now,yeh I'm happy, and I can admit that.I'm not afraid to.I'm not going to go around pretending that everything's going to shit,when it's not.Yeh life isn't perfect right now but at this moment in time I'm aigh't.I could be happier,but you can always be happier.I'm pretty content with how I'm feeling right now.

Yeh tomorrow's a different day,and maybe everything will change and I'll turn into a depressed wreck but why think about tomorrow?

I've learned to make the most of what I got and not to worry about stupid fickle things.Okay yeh..I say that and I DO still worry and complain about random shit,but I'm trying my best.I'm not perfect,I'm sure you all know that by now but I'm just going to try and make the best of any situation I'm in and deal with shit if or when it's thrown at me.

And all of this came from listening to Thin Lizzy..It's amazing how music can make you feel.

R.I.P. Phil xx

Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak
Somewhere in this town..